The Diary of the Weird Titan God Thing
by ARDFF
Summary: Perseus was never normal. Whether it be from his weird birth, or his rather questionable desires, Perseus was not normal. The fact that he currently has the literal planet moaning beneath his just served to reinforce that belief. A collection of moments from Perseus' immortal life. Rated T for many Swears and Sexual Innuendos. Sparse Updates.
1. Chapter 1

**Well, who's been attacked by plot bunnies at 2:46 am? I can tell you, it's bloody annoying. Thank God for the holidays**...

Perseus' birth was a weird occasion. Imagine sea water, mixed with some godly sperm, some blood, and a mangled corpse, and you've got a pretty good idea of the scene. It went something along the lines of this;

Pontus and his wife had decided that the perfect time to have a shag was when Kronus was chopping up his dad. Pontus pulled a move that can only be described as 'Firing the Cannons' and missed his urm... Target. Yes, target. So Pontus missed his target (old age, see) and managed to pollute the sea with his... Stuff.

Kronus' dad (After being further mutilated by Tartarous(Important that)) ended up being chucked into the sea, and through sheer luck (Pontus' weird little kinks), they ended up mixing together. Now, Godly bodily fluids do weird things (You don't have to look further than Aphrodite to see just how fucked up God sperm is), and through some weird freak in nature (God sperm) a Titan-Primordial hybrid was born.

He was called Perseus, though he preferred Percy.

You would think that by having three biological dads and no mother, his birth would've been recorded, but noooo. Aphrodite just had to spread her legs and took all the attention away from him.

Stupid whore.

Either way, Perseus managed to remain pretty much unnoticed. Until the hunters happened. It always has something to do with the hunters. It's always their fault that Zeus gets cranky and decides to throw his little electric stick around. In fact, I can remember a time when he did just that . Looked like a child, he did.

Anyway, I 'm getting sidetracked. From know on it will be in my PoV. It's a little weird writing in 2nd person.

I had been bathing in a lake, naked of course, when one of the hunters appeared from behind the treeline. You must understand, at the time I didn't know she was the second in command to the hunters. Or what the hunters were. So you will have to excuse me when I got a little annoyed when she called me, I quote, 'Worthless Male whore' and told me I had to die for daring to 'Bathe' when there was a chance that it would harm an 'innocent maiden'.

I told her she could can it. She had a bit of a fit, and her screaming was ruining my bath time. Long story short, I told her that I though she was enjoying the sight, just to spite her, before killing her.

I'm sorry, but she was SO annoying.

Anywho, I found at that she was part of Artemis' little lesbian Orgy pretty quickly.

Imagine my surprise when even more girls appeared out of the forest, screaming like banshees about killing their leader.

I killed them to.

After that, it took a total of 15 and 3/16 seconds for Artemis to appear and try to kill me. Of course, she couldn't kill me, but I was so unprepared for the absolute rudeness that I was shown that I let her capture me and put me on Olympus.

After all, Who would dare to attack another man while he is bathing!

It took Zeus all of about a second to figure out that I was A) Powerful and B) Didn't want to be there.

So naturally, the stuck up bastard told me that I was a threat to Olympus, and I therefore had to die.

And for the second time that day, I told him to can it.

And what followed is just about the best thing I think I have ever heard in my extremely long life. He called me a puny, and I cannot stress this enough, mortal.

I could have died then and there from my laughter. In fact, if you look in the throne room, I have reason to believe there is still cracks in the marble.

Long story short, I spent the next century being reborn in tartourus. Being reborn is very painful. I didn't like it very much, but after a while one gets used to it. I still can't tell you why Zeus enjoys imprisoning me in the pit, but, in my demented mind at least, it was because I was so unbelievably good looking that he couldn't stand the pressure.

Afterall, 2 and a half inches just really isn't a blessing

They were Fun times, those were.

Moving out of the chaos that was my first 2 1/2 century's on this earth, we head in to the time of Hades' banishment, and when the Fates finally decided to give me my powers.

We'll start with Hades' banishment, shall we?

See me, being the incredible and awesome person that I am, befriended Hades. What can I say? I'm just that cool. We spent a few decades chasing pretty girls and killing ignorant people before our little friendship was discovered.

I told Hades that kidnapping Persephone was a bad idea.

Hades was banished to the underworld, and I, because I am just that good, smuggled him back out. We hunted more pretty girls and killed some more people before Zeus found out again, and Hades was banished, and I was sent to my second stint in tartourus.

Somewhere within that time, I received my powers. Not a very interesting story, nor a very PG one. What I will say is that the Fates are Gilfs, and have earned a right to the saying, 'Fates a cruel mistress'.

I'm still scarred.

But Hades was literally scarred, so that's fine, I guess.

So three and a half centuries in, and my life is already a madhouse. This is the bit where the giants rise, and a lot of the good shit happens. The good shit being sex. And a lot of it.

Who knew that Hecate could get her feet behind her head. Or for that matter, that Artemis could hold the hogtie position for Well over 4 days. Of course, Artemis being in a hogtie had nothing to do with sex. I'm her eyes, atleast.

I'm getting of track again, aren't I?

The war was rather boring, it I were to be completely honest, so I won't bore you with the details. Just know that after my faithful service to the Olympians in that war, I finally got what I always wanted.

A giant golden acid spitting Llama.

**Chapters will get longer. Preferably 10k a chapter, but that's just wishful thinking. My rule with this is a minimum amount of words per week is 2500, so every month 10k, so every month New chapter.**

**However the audience for PJ fanfics isn't huge, so there is every chance that the story won't be too large, purely because I would have lost motivation in the PJ universe, and moved to Harry Potter for a bit, before coming back. We'll see**

**Tell me what you think!**


	2. Chapter 2

So, this is my third attempt at writing this. Not entirely sure on the spelling of tartourus, so it may be spelt differently at different points.

So, did I ever get around to telling you about that time I fondled Artemis' tits?

No?

We'll then, here we go.

I was hunting in a forest with Hermes.

I was not stalking the hunters, no matter what Hermes may tell you.

Anyway, we stumbled across the hunters while they were bathing and turned invisable.

Again, complete accident. Trust.

And then we got naked and got in with them.

God this sounds really bad when you write it down.

Me and Hermes had a little bet to see who could get Artemis before she shot us. I won, but I sacrificed my right teste for it. I swam right to her, turned visible, and fondled her tits.

"What are you doing!" She shrieked.

" grabbing your boobies, love, " I responded.

That got me my third tartarous sentence in just over 6 centurys. And believe it or not, Hermes got out of it with just an arrow to the rectum. Lucky bastard.

So if your keeping track, so far, I spend one century in earth, and the next in Tartarus. It's a wonder I'm still sane.

Then again, I was never completely sane, so you never know.

On my travels through Tartarus, I met Gaea.

Now that was an interesting meeting.

So you know the four dads bit, right? Tartarus, Pontus, Ouranos and Kronos.

Well, me and Gaea had it on, and it was only after I realised how unbelievable fucked up that was on so many different levels. She was my aunt, mother, and Grandmother.

Well, the godly world never frowned on incest did it? Zeus would have been booted out years ago if it did.

With that charming thought in mind, I had my first child. She was a complete accident, and her name was echidna. (Spell check that)

I don't care what the mortals thought about her. I though she was the cutest thing ever! I still keep a picture of her waving around a human thigh bone, still mangled from the dead person next to here, framed in my house.

Simply adorable, no?

Anyhow, Zeus didn't like her and banished her to Tartarus permanently. Dickhead.

Because of this, I decided to have another child. We called him Typhoon, and taught him important things like how to tear Olympus down, and how to make a god die.

That was the life, but alas, I had to leave.

I celebrated my release by pushing Zeus over the edge, and getting thrown off of Olympus.

Unfortunately for Zeusy boy, I landed in an active volcano, and was unceremoniously blasted onto one of Ogyias (Spelling?) beaches.

My God was Calypso good on the head. And very good with stress relief. And pretty much everything else. She was so good in fact, I stayed there for a full century, before heading back into a very changed world.

The gods were Roman now! Cool!

I wasted no time in meeting the glorious leader of the city, and proclaiming my undying love for his wife.

They tried to beheaded me for that one, but I killed the emporer before he could get to me.

I got myself declared king of Rome, and proceeded to destroy all of Jupiter's temples, and proclaimed myself the king of the gods.

I was killed for that one, I was.

Damn you Zeus.

I spent my next happy decades in tartaraus, doing normal parental things.

Like training my kids how to eat human flesh without getting indigestion.

So now I'm heading into the eighth century of my life, and one day I realised I had quite an impressive resumè.

Hunter Killer

Artemis' Tit Fondler

Typhoons Father

Gaea's child's father

Hades' partner in crime

Zeus' Bitch

Fates Fucktoy

Though I will admit, those last two probably aren't achievments,

No matter, I have nothing if not time!

The only really interesting thing about this 100 year or so gap was when I thought it was a brilliant Idea to destroy the Amazon's entire empire.

Ares was more than a little pissed off about that.

No matter, I showed him how real men fought.

We had the most intense sword fighting session I have ever had.

That is the most disturbing mental image ever

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. ERASE, LONG TERM MEMORY, ERASE!

Our sword fight destroyed most of the remaining Amazonians

That didn't go as you'd planned, did it, Ares.

And then I got sent back to Tartarus for beating the living shit out of Ares.

This has become a recurring theme, hasn't it?

On my, what is it, fifth visit to the pit, and my final before I hit one millennia old, a lot of shot happened.

The first bit was I met Tartarus.

It was a very intuitive me eating and it went something like this:

I was sitting in my little hut by the beautiful river of pain, when an imposing figure, covered in black flames appeared at my door.

He radiated power, authority and death.

I suppose I should have been scared.

but I'm me. And me is a very special person. I ran to the figure, jumped on it, and yelled daddy at the top of my lungs.

I don't think that that was quite the reaction he expected, considering he had me thrown into dungeons for a decade and tortured.

can you feel the love from my godly family.

Don't worry your pretty little head though, dear reader, I escaped after a while.

After I got out, I visited my little Echinda and my not so little Typhoon, who was in fact so not little that he could see the roof of Tartarus.

On my third decade of the fifth century in Tartarus, I stumbled across a Cerberus, which I lovingly named Cerberus, and gifted him to Hades as a sacrifice.

Coming towards the end of my sentence, I said my goodbyes to Daddy, then ran out of Tartarus with Daddy's very big, very scary and very angry army behind me.

I do love my Daddy, I do!

.

.

And, I'm done.

after much soul searching I decided to release it in chapters of 1000, as it has that style that's amusing for so long, before it just pisses you off. Better for everyone, this way.

it's not because I'm lazy.

Trust.


End file.
